Cabin Pressure - S03 - E01 Newcastle

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CAROLYN: Boys! We’ve just picked up an extra job. There shall be buns for tea. Where’s Martin?DOUGLAS: He’s not in yet.ARTHUR: What’s the job, Mum?CAROLYN: For Air-Caledonia, the ‘Wee Scottish Airline’. One of their pilots has gone sick in Newcastle and they wantus to fly up the covering crew. I do like flying other pilots; you don’t have to hold back with them.DOUGLAS: Do you do much holding back with the passengers normally?CAROLYN: Of course I do!DOUGLAS: Good Lord.ARTHUR: Mum, we’ve only got two pilots. What would we do if one of them went sick?CAROLYN: They wouldn’t dare.ARTHUR: But what if they did?CAROLYN: Well then, I’m sure we’d think of something. (Door opens) Ah, there you are Martin.MARTIN: Hello, Carolyn. What have I missed?ARTHUR: Hi Skip! You’re looking very well.MARTIN: Oh. Thank you, Arthur.ARTHUR: Don’t you think Douglas?DOUGLAS: Not ‘specially. I think he looks exactly the same as always.(Credits!!)(Door Opens)DOUGLAS: Hello Martin. Are the pilots here yet?MARTIN: We’re the pilots, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Yes, but the proper pilots.MARTIN: Not yet, no.DOUGLAS: Ah, is that the flight plan?MARTIN: Nope it’s mine, leave it.DOUGLAS: Oh Martin, please don’t tell me you’ve written a slim volume of verse. (Rushing pages) Oh. A C.V.MARTIN: Umm.DOUGLAS: Goodness. Feeling the call of the highlands are we? Fancy ourselves in tartan epaulets and a flying kilt?MARTIN: There’s nothing wrong with trying to advance one’s career!DOUGLAS: Not at all. So what’s the plan? Fly them to Newcastle with such panache and élan that the captain feelscompelled to recommend you to their chief Mc-pilot.MARTIN: I know it’s a long shot but if the captain and I should happen to hit it off, you never know.DOUGLAS: You never do. What flight time do you have from Fitton to Newcastle?MARTIN: Twenty five minutes.DOUGLAS: Hmm… Let’s hope he’s the sort who makes friends quickly.(Door Opens)CAROLYN: Alright, look sharp. The pilots are here.MARTIN: We are the pilots!CAROLYN: I mean the proper pilots.MARTIN: Could everyone please stop calling them that.(Door Opens)HERC: Good morning. MJN Air?DOUGLAS: Herc!HERC: Douglas.DOUGLAS & HERC: Hula, hula, gaba!MARTIN: Oh terrific.HERC: How the devil are you? Not seen you since, oh…for a long time. But haven’t you done well for yourself?I see from your uniform you’ve become a Bolivian tank commander.DOUGLAS: Yes, it’s an exuberant little number, isn’t it? And you’re a Scotsman, now you?HERC: Ah, you don’t have to be Scottish to fly for a Scottish airline you know.DOUGLAS: Don’t you? That’s interesting. Isn’t it, Martin? Oh, Martin this is Captain Herc Shipwright, old friend of mine from Air England.MARTIN: (sighs) Yes, I thought he might be.HERC: Martin. Pleasure. Hope this, ah, lazy old sod doesn’t work you too hard?MARTIN: Not really, no. I’m the captain.HERC: Oh! Gosh…so you are. Terribly sorry. So, Douglas does that mean you’re-(Interrupts rather hurriedly) DOUGLAS: And this is Carolyn.HERC: Charmed. Herc.CAROLYN: Herc?HERC: That’s it, yes, yes. Short for Hercules. Dad was…um…Dad was rather eccentric. After the aircraft though,rather than the hero. I’ll never know if that makes it better or worse.CAROLYN: Did you have any brothers?HERC: Wellington and Harrier.CAROLYN: Sisters?HERC: Sarah. He was eccentric, not mad. You’re the cabin crew then I take it?CAROLYN: I am the owner and the CEO.HERC: Oh gosh, are you? Well done.CAROLYN: What do you mean “well done?!"HERC: I don’t know. Nothing, really.CAROLYN: “Well done for running a big scary company all by yourself, you clever little lady?”HERC: No, no, absolutely not. No, (splutters) just a general, you know, good for you.CAROLYN: I see. So you’d still have said “well done” if I’d been an ugly, middle aged man in a suit, would you?HERC: The thought is inconceivable. So, it’s you I do the forms and what-not with, is it?CAROLYN: Yes. So please, step into my office from where I administrate my airline.HERC: Right you are. Ah, here’s my first officer. (Door Opens) I thought I’d lost you. Chaps, this is Linda Fairburn; Linda, these are some chaps.LINDA: Hello.MARTIN: Oh.HERC: Back in a tick. (Door slams shut)LINDA: Oh?MARTIN: Oh, how lovely to see you.LINDA: Have we met before?MARTIN: I don’t think so, no. People haven’t usually met me before.LINDA: Sorry?MARTIN: I mean, they’ve normally met Douglas before, if they’ve met anyone. I, I, I mean obviously the peoplewho have met me before have met me before. But there aren’t many of those because, I haven’t met…most…people.DOUGLAS: Douglas Richardson, how lovely to meet you.LINDA: And you. (Pause) Oh! Is that your plane out there?DOUGLAS: That rather swish Gulf Stream? Alas, no. You see the forlorn object facing it and thereby providing it with a grim memento mori ? That’s GERTI.LINDA: Yes, that’s what I meant- the Lockheed McDonnell 3-12MARTIN: Oh! Yes, that’s it.LINDA: Fantastic! I didn’t realise there were any of those still flying.MARTIN: Well, there aren’t many.DOUGLAS: And those there are barely do.MARTIN: That’s very impressive though. Not many people know what it is.DOUGLAS: Most people have to stop and think before saying ‘aeroplane’.LINDA: Well…I, I was a big plane spotter when I was a girl, so-MARTIN: Really?! Me too.LINDA: What, when you were a girl?M What? No, no, ah.(Laughs awkwardly) Yes, when I was a girl-No! When I was a boy. I, I, was never a girl.DOUGLAS: Yes. Good to be absolutely clear.(Door opens)ARTHUR: Okay, chaps. Cabin cross-checked, ready for take-off.MARTIN: Thank you Arthur. And, ah, how’s Captain Shipwright looking? Happy? Relaxed?ARTHUR: I wouldn’t say relaxed…MARTIN: Oh?! Why not?ARTHUR: Well he’s talking to Mum.MARTIN: Why’s she still on board? I can’t ask him for a job with her sitting there. Tell her to get off the plane!ARTHUR: Tell her to?MARTIN: Yes!ARTHUR: Mum?MARTIN: Yes! How hard could it be?ARTHUR: It can be impossible.MARTIN: Go!(Door closes)DOUGLAS: You sure it’s Herc you want to speak to?MARTIN: What do you mean?DOUGLAS: Not First Officer Linda, the plane spotting pride of Penicuik.MARTIN: Well, she can’t recommend me, can she? She’s only my age; she’s hardly going to know the chief pilot.DOUGLAS: She is about your age, yes. And rather nice, I thought.MARTIN: Why? Do you think…she’d...?DOUGLAS: So by the time we land in Newcastle, you’d ideally like a job recommendation from one of our passengers and a date from the other?MARTIN: That’s not really feasible, is it?DOUGLAS: It’s an ambitious program, certainly.HERC: Alright, I admit it! I said “good for you” because you’re a woman.CAROLYN: Ha!HERC: Because you’re clearly doing a fine job in what is, unfortunately a male dominated profession.CAROLYN: Well now you’re changing the terms of the argument.HERC: Yes, I am.CAROLYN: And you’re still wrongARTHUR: Ah, Mum? Captain says to tell you we’re leaving now.CAROLYN: Right. Thank you.ARTHUR: Yes.CAROLYN: Anything else?ARTHUR: No! Well, just, um, if you’re going to get off you should probably get off.CAROLYN: I’m not going anywhere.ARTHUR: Well, you sort of will, ah, because by not going anywhere you will go to Newcastle. You see what I mean.CAROLYN: Alright, then. I’ll go to Newcastle.ARTHUR: Yup, fine! Um…only I think the Skipper’s done the weight calculations based on five people and d-CAROLYN: Arthur, if you are about to suggest my weight is going to make us too heavy to take off, very bad things will happen to you.DOUGLAS: Post take off checks complete!MARTIN: Thank youDOUGLAS: Which means, today that pre-landing checks pretty much about to start.MARTIN: Right. Oh, okay. I think I’ve decided. I’m going to concentrate on getting Herc alone and giving him my C.V.DOUGLAS: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.MARTIN: What?! Do you think that’s the wrong decision?DOUGLAS: No, I think it’s probably the right one. I’m just an old romantic. (Knocking) Come in.(Door opens)LINDA: Hello. Sorry to intrude, it’s the, conversation back there was getting a little heated.MARTIN: Oh, no you’re welcome. It’s lovely to see you and very nice to, uh…see you.LINDA: Thank you, Martin.MARTIN: So. Linda. You’re a pilot?LINDA: Yes.MARTIN: Yes, obviously, sorry. That wasn’t the question. That was just, er, preliminary statement before theactual question I was going to ask, which is: How long have you been a pilot?LINDA: Twelve years.MARTIN: Twelve years. Right. Twelve years, well that’s not a long time…or a short time. Er, do you like it?LINDA: What?MARTIN: Being a pilot?LINDA: Yes, I do. Do you?MARTIN: Yes I do. I like it, like you. I mean- I like it like you do. Not that I like it like I like you. I don’t like you.I mean- I don’t not like you, I just I don’t like you as much as I like being a pilot.LINDA: Don’t you?MARTIN: Well, not yet. I mean, I’m sure if I got to know you I’d like you more than being a- Well probably notmore than being a pilot, ‘cause I love being a pilot and I don’t suppose I’d love you- Well I suppose I might. No Imean…I’m just going to go and have a wander down the cabin.(Door opens as Martin flees)LINDA: Is he always like that?DOUGLAS: No, he’s not terribly good at talking to other pilots, I’m afraid.LINDA: Ooooh. I thought that was ... 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