Cabin Pressure - S01 - E06 - Fitton

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(bing-bong)ARTHUR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, lords and ladies, Your Majesty...This is your captain speaking, Captain, Wing Commander, Sir Arthur Shappey, welcoming you aboardthis world-record-attempting flight around... the world. Passengers on both sides of the aircraft shouldhave excellent views of... the world. If you find we're going over a bit of the world you like the look of,do please ring your little bell and one of the cabin crew will fit you with a parachute and chuck you out.Otherwise, enjoy the flight and when we get to Sydney, do keep an eye out for the Sydney Harbour bridge,I'm gonna have a crack at flying underneath it!CAROLYN: Hey, wing commander! Less yammering, more hoovering!ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum!OPENING CREDITS (by BC <3) - This week, Fitton!(sounds of heavy rain)MARTIN: And there's another leak over here...ARTHUR: Right-o, Martin!(door opens)DOUGLAS: God, the rain's horrible outside! ...And inside.CAROLYN: Douglas, you are forty-five minutes late!DOUGLAS: Oh dear, how terribly remiss of me! And Mr Goddard is of course so famously punctual. I do hope I haven't kept him waiting.CAROLYN: It's a job, Douglas, a job for which you are being paid like any other and I expect you to be on time.DOUGLAS: I am chastened and ashamed. Arthur, tea!ARTHUR: Er, yeah, will do, Douglas, just trying to fix this leak first.DOUGLAS: Oh well, in that case... Arthur, tea?ARTHUR: Wow! You're making me tea?DOUGLAS: I know, it's a topsy-turvy day of misrule, isn't it?ARTHUR: Cracking! Loads of milk and four sugars, please!(rain keeps pattering; ARTHUR hums)ARTHUR: Hey, Douglas, you know when you get something going round and round in your brain?DOUGLAS: Yes, though I'm a little surprised you do.ARTHUR: A tune, I mean.DOUGLAS: Ah. Yes.ARTHUR: Well, I've got one of yours at the moment.DOUGLAS: One of mine?ARTHUR: Yes, something you were singing a few days ago, and I've only got the one line.How does it go after this? Um... (hums out of tune) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-aaaah-ah-ah (goes on like this a bit more)How does it go then?DOUGLAS: Well, I hope after that it goes to a vet, and is painlessly put out of its misery.ARTHUR: But what's the next line?DOUGLAS: I have no idea.ARTHUR: It's something you were singing!DOUGLAS: Are you sure you're not thinking of when Martin trapped my hand in the cabin door?ARTHUR: No, no, you were singing it this week. (attempts humming again)DOUGLAS: Well, was it... (singing) "Summertime, and the living is easy..."ARTHUR: No, it was more like: Ah-ah-ah (etc)DOUGLAS: You do realise every time you do that it's completely different?ARTHUR: No, listen: Ah-ah-ah...CAROLYN: Please, Arthur, not again!ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum.(sounds of clicking and banging)MARTIN: Oh, Douglas, I thought of another one this morning.DOUGLAS: Oh yes?CAROLYN: What are you doing this time?DOUGLAS: Books that sound more interesting with the final letter knocked off.CAROLYN: What have you got so far?DOUGLAS: "Of Mice and Me" and "Three Men in a Boa".CAROLYN: Ah, ah: "Far from the Madding Crow".DOUGLAS: Oh, very good, we'll have that, and what's your new one, Martin?MARTIN: (proudly) "The Hound of the Baskerville". (pause) I've taken the s off!DOUGLAS: Almost good. Certainly better than when you took the s off "The Mill on the Floss", to make "The Mill on the Flos".(sound of banging and even heavier rain)ARTHUR: Aha!CAROLYN: Arthur! Arthur, what have you done?ARTHUR: I'm making progress, I've found the hole where the rain's coming in!DOUGLAS: Found it, or made it?ARTHUR: No, it was there before, I've just made it... easier to see.MARTIN: You mean bigger.ARTHUR: Bigger-ish.DOUGLAS: Oh for heaven's sake, it's now raining inside the portacabin! Can we please just go intoFitton and wait in a nice coffee shop or something?CAROLYN: No! If Goddard turns up, we have to be ready in twenty minutes, flight plan filed, aircraft checked, ready to go.DOUGLAS: He's not going to call, we haven't heard a peep out of him for twenty-eight days, he's clearly forgotten all about us!CAROLYN: We don't know that. Anyway, standby is the Holy Grail of the airline industry: being paid to flywithout any actual flying. No risk of the three of you putting us into bankruptcy, prison or the side of a mountain.God has smiled on us, and if he has chosen as his instrument a lippy telecom millionaire from Bracknell, who are we to argue?MARTIN: Well, if we cannot go into town we could at least go and sit in the plane where it's dry.DOUGLAS: Oh, God, do we have to?MARTIN: Well, we can sit in the plane, or we can sit in the rain.DOUGLAS: Can't we sit in the car, or sit in a bar?MARTIN: Douglas!DOUGLAS: I'm sorry, I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr Seuss.(sounds of rain pattering on metal)DOUGLAS: Well, this is much nicer.ARTHUR: How about... a game of charades?ALL: No!ARTHUR: Oh, why not?CAROLYN: Because, dear heart, none of us will soon forget the misery of you spending 25 minutes mimingApocalypse Now, without knowing what an apocalypse was.(long silence)ARTHUR: Ah-ah-ah-aah-ah-ah...DOUGLAS: Oh, oh-oh-oh! Is it... (hum-sings the aria Non più andrai from The Marriage of Figaro)ARTHUR: No, that doesn't sound anything like what I sang.DOUGLAS: That I'm willing to concede.MARTIN: Well, so long as we're in the plane with nothing to do, we could always review the standard operating procedures...(DOUGLAS and CAROLYN sigh)CAROLYN: Yes, that will make the day fly by on silver wings.MARTIN: It is a legal requirement, and we're here anyway.DOUGLAS: That's why you were so keen to come out to the plane, isn't it, so you could get us to go through your rotten old ops.MARTIN: Well, since I've gone to all the trouble of revising them...CAROLYN: Fine, we'll go through one.MARTIN: No, I don't want to now.CAROLYN: Oh, come on.MARTIN: No.DOUGLAS: Martin, we're sorry. It's very good of you to do them. Please take us through one.MARTIN: All right. Ahem. Standard operating procedure... "Evacuation in event of smoke or fire in cabin."ARTHUR: Hang on, is-is it okay for me to hear these?MARTIN: Yes, they're not secret!ARTHUR: Ah. OK, carry on.MARTIN: "Set parking brake."DOUGLAS: M-hm.MARTIN: "Shut down engines."CAROLYN: Good idea.MARTIN: "PA announcement."DOUGLAS: Yup.MARTIN: "First officer leaves through the nearest exit."DOUGLAS: You bet he does, and enters nearest bar...MARTIN: "Captain dons cap, enters cabin to assist passengers."(CAROLYN and DOUGLAS giggle)MARTIN: What?CAROLYN: (through giggles) Captain does what?MARTIN: Assists passengers. What? What's so funny?DOUGLAS: No, no, no, before that.MARTIN: "Captain dons cap, enters cabin to..."(CAROLYN and DOUGLAS laugh openly)DOUGLAS: "Dons cap?"CAROLYN: "Captain dons cap?!"DOUGLAS: Oh yeah, you have to don your cap before dealing with a fire!CAROLYN: Otherwise, how will the fire know who the captain is?MARTIN: It's for the passengers!DOUGLAS: The boy stood on the burning deck / Whence all but he had fledCAROLYN: His heart was in his mouth but loo-hoo! / His cap was on his head!MARTIN: Fine, fine, forget it. Forget it! I'll go and sit on the flight deck and review them by myself! (exits, slamming door)(CAROLYN and DOUGLAS continue laughing until they calm down)CAROLYN: Ha-ha-ha, hah, oh, oh dear.DOUGLAS: Ah. Was that a bit...?CAROLYN: Yes, a little bit. Do you think... do you think one of us should...?DOUGLAS: Yes. (exits)ARTHUR: Right, well, just you and me, mum. You know, you can play charades with two people.CAROLYN: No.ARTHUR: OK. Oh, um, dad called this morning.CAROLYN: Ah, I thought he might.ARTHUR: Well, he did.CAROLYN: What did he have to say?ARTHUR: Oh, he asked after you, um, and the plane.CAROLYN: Oh yes, in which order?ARTHUR: Not that order.CAROLYN: No.ARTHUR: And he said to tell you-CAROLYN: Not interested!ARTHUR: Yeah, but he said to tell you-CAROLYN: I know what he said to tell me because he said it every 12th of November for eight years. Not. Interested.ARTHUR: He still made me promise to say it. Sorry.CAROLYN: Go on then, get it over with.ARTHUR: He said to tell you he'd like to buy his plane back off you.CAROLYN: Not interested, and it's not his plane. Not that it matters, but how much was he offering this time?ARTHUR: A hundred pounds.CAROLYN: A hundred? Well that's just silly. Last year I turned him down for a 125 thousand, why would I give it at 25 grands less?ARTHUR: No, not a hundred thousand pounds, a hundred pounds.CAROLYN: No, dear, no, I didn't pick you up on it because, frankly, life's too short, but when he said "a hundred", he meant "a hundred thousand."ARTHUR: No, he didn't.CAROLYN: Arthur, given that in your short life you have caught hold of the wrong end of enough sticks to build anentire wrong end of a forest, what makes you so sure you've got it right this time?ARTHUR: Because he made me write it down.(rustle of paper)ARTHUR: Tell her "Yes, he does mean a hundred pounds. Not a hundred grand, one hundred pounds and no pennies.I haven't got it wrong, no, write Arthur, Arthur hasn't got it wrong. Phone if you want details."(sounds of rain)DOUGLAS: Er, Martin...MARTIN: What do you want?DOUGLAS: Apologies, Martin, that was very childish of us.MARTIN: Yes, it ... [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]