Cabin Pressure sezon 3 ...

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3x01
CREDITS: This week, Qikiqtarjuaq!
CAROLYN: Good morning, gentlemen! How are we today? Satiated with the delights of New York, all
ready to go home?
DOUGLAS: Yes
MARTIN: Mmm, absolutely.
CAROLYN: Then home we shall go. Almost straight away, pausing only for an extremely minor detour.
DOUGLAS: Oh, no.
MARTIN: Carolyn, I
can’t
!
CAROLYN: To Toronto!
DOUGLAS: Oh, well, that
is
quite close.
CAROLYN: And then a quick stop to Qikiqtarjuaq and straight home!
DOUGLAS: Oh, Sorry, where?
CAROLYN: Qikiqtarjuaq! Q-I-K-
ARTHUR: Mum! Sorry, but you forgot the U.
CAROLYN: No, I did not. There isn’t a U. It’s Q-I-K-I-
ARTHUR: No, Mum, there’s always a U after a Q. It’s the law. Mrs. Dimand taught me that. Eventually.
CAROLYN: And you are a credit to her. Nonetheless the good people of Qikiqtarjuaq
choose
to spell it
Q-I-K-I-Q-T-
MARTIN: Another Q?
CAROLYN: Yes. Q-T-
ARTHUR: Q-T? Well, I’m not going to be the one to tell Mrs. Dimand!
DOUGLAS: Leaving the spelling bee aside for a moment, where is this kicky tarry jack?
CAROLYN: Are you referring to Qikiqtarjuaq?
DOUGLAS: You’re really proud of yourself for having learnt to say that, aren’t you?
CAROLYN: Yes. Also, it’s rather pleasing to say Qikiqtarjuaq. Anyway, it’s in Canada.
MARTIN: Near Toronto?
CAROLYN: Nearish.
MARTIN: How nearish?
CAROLYN: About, ooh . . . seventeen hundred miles.
MARTIN: No, Carolyn, I’m sorry, I absolutely
can’t
, I’ve got a job on Thursday.
CAROLYN: No you haven’t.
MARTIN: I do! Not with MJN, I mean a delivery job, with my van.
CAROLYN: Oh, well, that doesn’t matter.
MARTIN: It matters to me, Carolyn! It happens to be the only thing I’m actually
paid
to do!
DOUGLAS: Right. I’ve looked it up on my phone. It’s a tiny, isolated settlement in the Arctic Circle!
Why on earth are we going there?
CAROLYN: Because that is where the polar bears are.
DOUGLAS: And where do the polar bears want to go?
CAROLYN: The polar bears don’t want to go anywhere. The polar bears just want to be left in peace
and quiet. But that is where the polar bears find themselves bang out of luck. Because we are picking
up a dozen tourists from Unbeaten Track Travel and flying them past every polar bear we can find
between Toronto and Qikiqtarjuaq!
ARTHUR: What? Are we?!? Polar bears?!? We’re going to fly over polar bears?! And see them and
look at them and be with the polar bears?
CAROLYN: Yes, we are.
MARTIN: No, we’re not.
ARTHUR: YES WE ARE, SKIP!
MARTIN: No we’re not! For one thing, Gertie’s much too fast a plane; you need a prop-engine aircraft
to watch wildlife, not a
jet
!
CAROLYN: Well, why can’t we just fly slower?
ARTHUR: Yeah, we could just fly slower!
MARTIN: No we can’t.
DOUGLAS: Of course we can! We could come down to 100, 120 easily, as long as we watch the
angle of bank.
ARTHUR: Yeah, Martin! We just need to watch the angle of . . . bank, and the polar bears! We need to
watch the polar bears!
MARTIN: No, we
can’t
! She’ll be hard to manoeuvre, and likely to stall. It would be incredibly
dangerous and unprofessional.
DOUGLAS: Fun, though – when do we leave?
CAROLYN: Straight away.
MARTIN: No!
DOUGLAS: Good!
ARTHUR: Brilliant!
CAROLYN: Oh, um, if you’re online, Douglas, look up polar bears or exploring or something.
DOUGLAS: Why?
CAROLYN: Because one of you will have to give a lecture on it. Unbeaten Track’s thing is that the
crew are all experts on the region and they give lectures.
ARTHUR: Can I give a lecture on polar bears?
CAROLYN: No.
DOUGLAS: What do you know about polar bears, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Polar bears are
brilliant.
DOUGLAS: You
might
want to pad that out with some Power Points.
DOUGLAS: Alright, Alfred Hitchcock.
MARTIN: Ooh, okay. Let’s hear it.
[bing-bong]
DOUGLAS: Hello, my name is First Officer Douglas Richardson. On behalf of the captain and myself,
a warm welcome aboard this MJN flight to Qikiqtarjuaq. Just to let you know, we will be flying out from
Toronto today, roughly "North by Northwest," at the "Vertigo"-inducing height of twenty thousand feet,
way above "The Birds." You will already have met your purser today, Carolyn "Rebecca" "Topaz," but
now, as "The Lady Vanishes" behind the "Torn Curtain" into the galley, the steward will hold you
"Spellbound" with his "Notorious" demonstration of "The Thirty-Nine Steps" to a safe evacuation,
though these basically boil down to three: pull the "Rope," inflate the "Lifeboat," and escape through
the "Rear Window."
MARTIN: Ten?
DOUGLAS: Thirteen, I think. I very nearly got "The Man Who Knew Too Much" in, but I was after all
talking about Arthur.
[door opens]
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Excuse me!
MARTIN: Oh, uh, hello. I-I-I’m the captain, Martin Crieff, and this is –
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Nancy Dean Liebhart.
DOUGLAS: Not quite, but what an interesting guess.
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Expedition supervisor, Unbeaten Track Travel. What was that, please?
MARTIN: What was what?
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: The Hitchcock thing.
DOUGLAS: Oh, you noticed that! Well done.
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: "In an emergency, climb out through the rear window"? Does that strike
you as a professional thing for the pilot of an aircraft to say?
MARTIN: No, no, absolutely not.
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: "No, absolutely not" is right, so what the hell just happened?
DOUGLAS: I can assure you, madam, I am entirely professional in all –
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: No you’re not. I can tell professionalism a mile off. You don’t have it, sir.
This guy has it. You don’t.
MARTIN: Oh, well. Do I? I mean, yes, yes, I do, actually. Thank you, thank you for noticing.
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So, why did you let him do it?
DOUGLAS: Yes, why did you let me do it?
MARTIN: Yes, I-I do apologize. Rest assured I will be disciplining him.
DOUGLAS: Oh,
will
you?
MARTIN: Yes I will, and the rest of the flight
will
be conducted in an entirely professional atmosphere
of the utmost . . . professionality that I always bring to my, my, my –
DOUGLAS: Profession?
MARTIN: Workplace.
[door opens]
CAROLYN: Hello! Everything alright in here?
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Ah, are you Carolyn Shappey-Nappy?
CAROLYN: More or less. Hello, pleased to meet you.
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: Nancy Dean Liebhart, expedition supervisor. I was expecting you to meet
me and the travellers at the gate.
CAROLYN: Oh, yes, sorry, I was unavoidably detained in the airport, helping the steward find a book
about polar bears.
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: So in your absence, I had to conduct them aboard a strange aircraft – in
every sense – get them seated, and then listen to your first officer squeezing Hitchcock films into the
cabin address!
CAROLYN: Oh, how many did you get?
DOUGLAS: Thirteen.
CAROLYN: Well done!
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: I would like a word with you in the galley, madam.
CAROLYN: With great pleasure.
DOUGLAS: Oh, before you go, how long do you want this Arctic lecture? I’ve worked up about twenty
minutes’ worth – will that do?
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: That won’t be necessary, thank you.
DOUGLAS: Oh, but I thought at Unbeaten Track you always –
NANCY DEAN LIEBHART: At Unbeaten Track we
do
, because our crews are staffed by professional
experts and adventurers with genuine stories to tell. What I feel I would get from you, sir, is some zany
British humour, and I’ve already had about as much of that as I can take.
[door opens]
DOUGLAS: Well, she was a little ray of sunshine, wasn’t she?
MARTIN: I thought she was quite right.
DOUGLAS: Did you?
MARTIN: Yes. I’m . . . sorry to say this, Douglas, but sometimes you are unprofessional.
DOUGLAS: Shall we drop the subject?
MARTIN: No, Douglas, this is difficult f – um, because I think we’ve become friends, and, um, and I’m
glad about that, but I-I do also think I have a duty to you a-as your captain –
DOUGLAS: Think very, very carefully about how you want to finish this sentence.
MARTIN: - as your captain to let you know when you’re getting into
bad habits
. And it was
unprofessional to do the film game on real, live passengers.
DOUGLAS: You said, "Let’s hear it."
MARTIN: And what’s worse is that you were seriously considering low-altitude, low-speed manoeuvres
in the
Arctic
! Which would be
very
unsafe for us!
DOUGLAS: It’ll be perfectly safe, so long as
I’m
the one doing it.
MARTIN: Yeah, there, you see, no, you think you’re this invincible pilot, but things go wrong for
everyone! And-and if you’re not professional in your assessment –
DOUGLAS: And you’re the perfect professional, are you?
MARTIN: No, I’m not perfect, but I
am
professional, I analyze risk, I make sure I’m in a position to deal
with whatever is thrown at me.
DOUGLAS: Of course you know what the actual definition of a professional
is
, don’t you?
MARTIN: I’m just –
DOUGLAS: What actually separates professionals from amateurs.
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