Cabin Pressure - S02 - E04 - ...

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(ding-dong)ARTHUR: (on intercomm) Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our onboard transit process todayhas now reached its ultimate termination.CAROLYN: He means we've landed.ARTHUR: Yes. So as yourselves prepare for disemboarding, if I could kindly ask you to kindly ensureyou retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the disembarcation.CAROLYN: He means take your stuff with you.ARTHUR: In concluding, it's been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the in-flightexperience today, and I do hope you'll refavor ourselves with the esteem of your [forth-looking?] custom going forward.CAROLYN: No idea.CREDITS - This week: Johannesburg!DOUGLAS: Okay, Martin, two miles to run. Descend to five hundred feet. Stand by for visual on target.MARTIN: Douglas, are we certain about this?DOUGLAS: Quite certain.MARTIN: Right. It's just . . . (exhales) I'm sure it's going to be fine -DOUGLAS: Excellent. I'm also sure it's going to be fine.MARTIN: The thing is, though, I'm not sure it's going to be fine.DOUGLAS: What an exquisite paradox. Luckily, though, I'm still completely sure it's going to be fine.So as I'm a hundred percent sure, and you're fifty each way, that still gives us a comfortable hundred and fifty percent working majority.MARTIN: Douglas!DOUGLAS: Target in sight. Level five hundred feet. Left, left. Waggle wings. And open air brakes . . . now. (pause) Oh.MARTIN: What? What? What? I can't see! What happened?DOUGLAS: I may have very slightly overestimated how fine it would be.CAROLYN: What were you thinking?MARTIN: All we were trying -CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. Douglas, what were you thinking?DOUGLAS: I just thought, since I had to work on my daughter's birthday, it would be nice to do a little fly past of her party on the way.CAROLYN: Barrow-in-Furness is not on the way to Paris. So first you stole my aircraft -DOUGLAS: I wouldn't call it stealing.CAROLYN: I paid you to fly three hundred miles southwest. You flew it two hundred miles northeast. What is that if not stealing?DOUGLAS: Hijacking, at most.MARTIN: Carolyn -CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. (to Douglas) But of course, you were just warming up, because not onlydid you steal my aircraft, you then chose to mark your arrival at the children's birthday party by dropping a bomb on it.DOUGLAS: The idea was perfectly sound!CAROLYN: The idea was terminally stupid! (to Martin) Was it your idea, Martin?MARTIN: No, it wasn't! Oh, and I'm allowed to speak again now, am I?CAROLYN: No, shut up.DOUGLAS: It was my idea. It occurred to me that if we filled the air brake cavity with boiled sweets, and thenopened it just as we were flying over -CAROLYN: You could strafe your daughter's birthday party.DOUGLAS: No, not strafe! We weren't going anything like fast enough! We did check!MARTIN: I did the calculations.DOUGLAS: And we were quite sure the sweets would flutter gently down to the excited children beneath, and so theywould have done, if it hadn't been rather a hot day, and the sweets in the metal compartment hadn't melted a little. And then, up in the cold air, solidified again, into a . . .CAROLYN: A sugar brick.DOUGLAS: (pause) Yes.CAROLYN: Which you dropped on your ex-wife's house.DOUGLAS: Yes, but we were very lucky, really. We could have hit her conservatory. Or her BMW.CAROLYN: Or a child!DOUGLAS: Now don't exaggerate. All the children had run for safety long before it landed!CAROLYN: That is not as reassuring a sentence as you seem to think.DOUGLAS: I'm just saying, we couldn't have hit a child! But I admit, we could have hit a car.CAROLYN: But you didn't hit a car, did you? You hit a carp.DOUGLAS: Yes.CAROLYN: Do you have any idea how much a koi carp costs?DOUGLAS: I do now, yes. But don't worry, I don't expect you to pay for it.CAROLYN: You d - Of course you don't expect me to pay for it! Why in heaven would I pay for it?DOUGLAS: Well, as you pointed out, it is your plane.CAROLYN: Yes, and I paid you to use it to fly a franking machine to Paris, not to fly a multi-coloredconfectionary brick to Cumbria and drop it on a fish!MARTIN: Well, to be fair, we did go to Paris afterwards.CAROLYN: Martin, really, shut absolutely up.MARTIN: Right.CAROLYN: Look. Both of you. I'm being serious. With my serious face. You cannot keep doing things like this.I will spell it out in words of one syllable. If - you - waste - my - money - we - will - go - bust - you - will - have - no - job.DOUGLAS: (pause) Cash. Not mon-ey.CAROLYN: Please! Will you take this seriously! We can't go on like this! Look at the trip budget you've submitted forJohannesburg next week - fourteen thousand pounds! Are we flying there on the backs of unicorns?MARTIN: It's pared to the bone, I promise you - I can't compromise safety for economy!CAROLYN: That's rich, coming from the Bomber of Barrow.DOUGLAS: I'm sorry, Carolyn, it's just that the Captain and myself are deeply unmaterialistic. Our souls are rather beautiful that way, actually.CAROLYN: Is that so? Alright then, First Officer Gandhi, I'll tell you what I'll do. On a one-trip trial basis, if you can magicallyshave, say, two thousand pounds off that pared-to-the-bone budget, you can split it between you, which should just aboutpay for the carp. But if it comes in so much as a penny over twelve thousand pounds, you pay me a grand each. Deal?DOUGLAS: Absolutely, deal.MARTIN: No, wait, Douglas! The budget really is pretty tight! How on earth -DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! Trust me! (to Carolyn) Deal.ARTHUR: Chaps, my galley's been burgled. They've taken the trolley, the duty-free, the microwave, even the hot-water boiler.DOUGLAS: Sorry, Arthur, that was me. The lighter we keep the plane, the less fuel we need, so I'veoffloaded all unnecessary dead weight. Speaking of which, how much do you weigh?ARTHUR: But how'm I supposed to heat up the catering?DOUGLAS: Oh, I've canceled the catering.MARTIN: You canceled our food? For a twelve-hour flight?DOUGLAS: Needless expense. Don't worry, I rustled us up a little something myself.ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas, you should have asked me!DOUGLAS: Should I, though, Arthur? Really? The inventor of fizzy yogurt?ARTHUR: To be fair, I didn't invent that so much as discover the process that makes it.DOUGLAS: Yes. Yogurt plus time. Here, take these.ARTHUR: Righto. Uh, how do I prepare them?DOUGLAS: Take lids off boxes. Empty onto plates. Give to pilots. And - and I can't stress this strongly enough - do nothing else to it whatsoever.MARTIN: Is that really going to save us much money, Douglas?DOUGLAS: Every little helps. Why? What have you come up with?MARTIN: Well, uh, had a good think last night, and I think so long as we get the long runway at Joburg, we may be able to land without using the wheel-brakes.DOUGLAS: I see. And that'll save us what?MARTIN: Well, it'll prolong the life of the brakes.DOUGLAS: To the tune of . . .?MARTIN: Obviously not in a calculable way.DOUGLAS: Terrific. Well done.MARTIN: Well, alright, what else have you come up with?DOUGLAS: Turn off air conditioning, only take half the liquid oxygen, keep air recirculation fans on, and only use one engine to taxi, and I'm just getting warmed up.ARTHUR: So, if doing those things saves money, why don't we do it all the time?DOUGLAS: Well, the most tiresome of pettifoggers might question whether it constituted absolute best practice.MARTIN: You mean it's horrendously illegal?DOUGLAS: "Horrendously" is a strong word.MARTIN: I notice you're not quibbling "illegal."DOUGLAS: Not dangerously illegal. It's not like I'm suggesting we only fly on one engine, although . . .MARTIN: NO!MARTIN: (eating) This is excellent, Douglas! Did you really cook it yourself?DOUGLAS: I did indeed.MARTIN: Mm, it's lovely.DOUGLAS: I'm very good at cooking.MARTIN: Is there anything you're not very good at? (long pause) Douglas?DOUGLAS: I'm thinking. There are things I haven't tried yet; I suppose it's possible I'm not very good at some of those. Theoretically.MARTIN: Well, (eating) this is great. Unusual flavor - what is it?DOUGLAS: Carp.MARTIN: But . . . not . . .DOUGLAS: When I pay a thousand pounds for a fish, I don't just throw it in the bin. Now, then, when we get to Joburg, obviously we can save a lot on hotels.MARTIN: How?DOUGLAS: By not staying in one.MARTIN: So where will we sleep?DOUGLAS: Well, I'm a happily married man, so I shall sleep in the plane. But you, m'lad, have four hours inhand to get yourself invited to the Johannesburgian bedroom of your choice.MARTIN: Ha ha ha! Yes, I'll sleep in the plane too.DOUGLAS: That uniform's wasted on you, it really is.ding-ding-dingDOUGLAS: Ah, fancy that!MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Little flashing warning light, Captain. Anti-icing the starboard wing. Declaring itself rabbit of negative euphoria.MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Not a happy bunny.MARTIN: Right, okay, okay, okay! Isolate the anti-icing valves, port and starboard, prepare for landing, and -DOUGLAS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't need to divert, we can do without anti-icing!MARTIN: No, we can't!DOUGLAS: Martin. We're currently flying over southern Spain. We're about to fly the length of continental Africa. May I suggest that ice may not be our most formidable foe?MARTIN: You know perfectly well the hotter it is, the quicker ice will form if we fly through clouds.DOUGLAS: But I have a strategic master-stroke to counter that. Let's not fly through any clouds.MARTIN: But there are clouds - look!DOUGLAS: What? Those little fluffies? We can just weave in and out of those! And we only have to keep t... [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]