Catching Spiders by lambcullen

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Catching Spiders by lambcullen
Spiders ~ The Editors
Hold out your hand
Hold out your hand
Or we'll carry you
Hold out your hand
Hold out your hand
Come back to me
Come back to me
With your back to the wall
You've got one place to fall
Sometimes its all better on your own
BPOV
I thought love was supposed to make you happy.
I thought love was supposed heal and turn you into a better person.
What I thought was wrong.
I'd been in love with Edward Masen for most of my life, but all it gave me was
heartache and a new prescription for antidepressants.
I wish I could say that I was joking, but every time Edward called; every time he
got me involved in his level of shit, I was left a sobbing mess, longing for only
one thing.
For him to see me.
I was always left disappointed. Always left crying fetal on my small bed and
invariably rescued by my friend, Alice, and a new bottle of Citalopram. It would
take me months to sort myself out, but then he'd walk back into my life and the
cycle would begin again. I didn't know why I allowed this kind of abuse from him.
All he did was use me when everyone else was tired of helping him, and as
quickly as he'd arrived he'd leave, taking another piece of my heart with him.
In his defense I don't think he had a clue how I felt about him, nor did he
understand the level of control he had over me. That knowledge didn't make me
feel any better, in fact it made it worse. It meant that he really was blind to the
thousands of ways I'd made his life better over the years.
He was blind to me.
I was old enough to know better, and it wasn't as though he encouraged me.
There was just something inside that begged for me to help him whenever he
knocked on my door, or rang my cell. I convinced myself that this time he
wouldn't be blind; that this time he wanted to change, but that hadn't ever
happened. There had been one incident in twenty years; one stupid moment in
time when I thought he was actually going to kiss me, but we'd been interrupted
and nothing even close had ever happened again. Well, apart from his apologetic
pecks each time he left me shattered, as he walked out of the door.
I was the biggest kind of fool. I was the one that had convinced herself that he
could change; that time would make him mature and see what a mess he was
making of his life. He was oddly happy with the things he was doing, and it was
me that was depressed.
Alice hadn't known about him until the day he called me on my cell. I'd been
working for her in her vintage clothes store for only a couple of weeks, and we
knew very little about each other, but the moment my cell rang I'd crumbled. For
no reason other than I really needed someone to talk to, I spilled out everything
that had happened since the day we met on our first day at Forks High School.
Every encounter I'd had with him tumbled from my mouth, as if getting rid of the
rotten memories would cleanse me, make me better. That was too much to ask
though. After I'd explained everything I still hurt, and he was still trying to call
me. She'd told me not to speak to him. That had been the first time I'd ignored
her in favor of Edward, and there would be many more.
Again, I was a fool, and apparently I wasn't ready to change that. I realized that
day that Edward and I weren't that different.
Neither one of us was willing to make that break and alter our lives forever. We
were attached to each other in our own toxic kind of way. It scared me to think of
how this was going to end, because it would have to one day. We couldn't keep
this cycle up.
However, knowing all that, here I was driving downtown to the police station. I
was going to bail him out. Alice was going to throw a fit when she found out,
because the last time he'd turned my life upside down I'd promised her I wouldn't
let it happen again. She was tired of this too, tired of picking up the shattered
remains that he left behind. I didn't want to disappoint her, so when he'd called
I'd simply waited until the end of my shift, and left as if going home. It was sly
not to tell her, but I'd convinced myself I was only going to see what was wrong
with him this time, then I would tell him I couldn't do it anymore and leave.
My heart pounded and I felt nauseous, as I entered the station and walked to the
front desk. Bile rose in my throat when I spoke Edward's name to the ebony
haired officer. I caught a small grimace before he lifted the counter and allowed
me inside.
"There's plenty of paperwork to complete, but we'd really like you to calm him
down first. Ma'am he's being very abusive, though most of that's the drink."
"I'm not..." I started to protest, but he slid the small window on the cell open and
nodded towards it.
I gulped and inched closer, nervously glancing towards the hole in the metal. I
could hear him punching or hitting the wall, growling in frustration and knew that,
yet again, I wasn't going to walk away.
"Edward," I said softly.
The anger ceased almost instantly and those intense green eyes appeared in
front of me. It had been six months since the last time I'd met his gaze. Six
months since I felt that familiar stirring in my abdomen, since I felt that shred of
hope in my heart.
"Beeellla," he sang. "I told them you'd come. My angel."
I winced, wishing he could say that and mean it.
"What have you done?"
"Drunk and disorderly, Ma'am, but because of his track record, and the fact that
he was arrested previously for violence towards the same bar staff, he will need
bailing to a specific address. It will be going to court this time. The owner of the
bar is tired of him."
I sighed, muttering about him not being the only one.
"Did...Did he hurt someone?"
The officer shook his head, before stating, "He smashed the place up before he
was tackled to the floor. He made a real mess."
"Why, Edward?" I moaned.
"Fucking asshole wouldn't serve me anymore. All I wanted was another fucking
scotch, but no, the ass had to complain that I'd had enough. He knows jackshit,
never enough, ain't that right Bella?"
He smiled maniacally at me, making me cringe.
"You can't keep doing this."
"Doing what? Angel, I was just having a little fun and it got outta hand. Lighten
up."
It was futile, he wouldn't admit just how wrong he was to act this way. I groaned,
mentally accepting that this cycle was about to begin, and I was going to do
nothing to stop it.
"Where have you been?" I hissed, but only gained a shrug from him.
"Here and there."
"Six months, Edward!"
The police officer touched my elbow and I glanced up, seeing nothing but
sympathy in his eyes.
"Ma'am, we'll need you to fill out some paper work. My colleague will sort Mr.
Masen out and he'll meet you at the front desk."
I nodded, not looking back at Edward and followed the officer back out into the
office.
"Look, it's not my place to say this, but you seem like a nice person," he said,
concern lacing his voice. "You don't have to do this."
"And if I don't?"
"He hasn't listed anyone else, and by the look on your face there isn't, so he'd
probably be incarcerated until his court date."
I gagged at the thought of him living in a cell similar to the one he was in right
now and shook my head. "I can't let that happen."
"Do you understand what it means, though? He would have to remain at your
home until the courts have decided. He would effectively be under house arrest.
There's also the issue of his drinking; he may be required to seek assistance for
that."
I slumped onto the chair across from his desk, and exhaled.
"My apartment only has one bedroom. In truth, the whole place is pretty much
one room. There isn't enough room to swing a mouse, let alone a cat."
"That's really not our concern. I feel like I should ask you again; are you sure
you're willing to do this? It's difficult to retract once you sign the papers, Ms.
Swan."
Why me? Why did he always call me?
...because he has no one else, Bella.
Alice was going to kill me. Though she probably realized I wouldn't turn him
away, sometimes it was as though she could see my thoughts. It scared me on
occasion.
I took the pen from his hand, and listened as he read out all the terms. I'd heard
many of them before, because this wasn't the first time I'd bailed him out, but
now he had no choice but to stay with me. He couldn't leave without saying
goodbye this time.
He couldn't leave.
I couldn't stop the tiny grain of hope as it turned into a sandstorm. My heart
clenched. Maybe this was just what Edward needed to end the destructive path
he was on. Maybe this was the force that was needed.
Swallowing the emotion, I filled out the relevant forms, signing my name at least
five times and supplying four different telephone numbers. The officer asked me
again if I was sure, and this time I only nodded. It took almost an hour to process
everything, and as I was gathering up my copies of the legal documents, I heard
a shuffling behind me. I mustered what little strength I had and turned to face
him.
He was a wreck.
His matted bronze hair looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks, and coarse
stubble covered his jaw. His eyes were rimmed red, as though he hadn't slept. I
ached for him. He desperately needed to change his lifestyle; nobody could live
like he did indefinitely.
As he stared at me, waiting, I assessed his clothes. They too were in need of a
wash, and the gray t-shirt should really be in the trash, because it had more
holes than material. His only possession was a thin navy jacket he was clutching
in his fist. I noticed his knuckles were cut and the blood had dried on them; he'd
obviously not had them looked at, they hadn't even been cleaned.
I stood, and glared at him.
"My car's parked around the corner. We need to go and clean your cuts before
they get infected."
He grinned at me, showing not a single drop of shame, before leaning down and
placing a small kiss on my cheek.
"You really are my angel."
I hummed and walked out of the police station. I didn't believe that, and neither
did he. I was his doormat, and I had 'step here' on my forehead. I couldn't look
at him again, until we were on our way back to my place, and even then, it was
only in profile. It was already starting to hurt. My guts churned, knowing this
time was going to be different than before. I just didn't understand yet why that
was the case.
"I appreciate this, Bella. Thanks."
Again, I hummed, not trusting myself to speak. My voice would give too much
away.
"Are you still in the same place?"
I gritted my teeth and nodded. He was acting as though I'd just collected him
from work, not the damn police station. But then, that was Edward: oblivious.
My cell rang as we turned onto my street. I reached out to pick it up, but he beat
me to it, and grinned when he looked at the screen. He waggled it at me and
stated, "Alice."
She knew. I'd known when I left the store that she would guess where I was
going.
"Want me to answer it?"
"NO!" I screeched.
Edward pouted as though he was offended and passed it to me, as I shut the
engine off.
"Hey, Alice."
"Please tell me you haven't," she groaned, getting straight to the point.
"Um, I haven't?"
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